‘GOOD’ GRIEF?

You might think that those two words shouldn’t be put together, because how can Grief be ‘Good’? But there are aspects of, and approaches to, grief that can significantly improve our ability to process our emotions and come to terms with loss. 

What is Grief?

‘Grief is the natural human response to loss, characterized by a range of emotions and experiences following the death of a loved one, or other significant loss. It's a deeply personal journey, and there's no fixed timeline for how long grief may last or how it will be experienced.’ (AI)

While the terms are often used interchangeably, ‘bereavement’ refers to the state of loss, while ‘grief’ is the reaction to that loss. And grief is not only experienced because of the loss of a living being. We may grieve at changes in our circumstances or lifestyle – such as the break-up of a relationship or a marriage, the ending of a friendship, the loss of a job, an unwanted move from our home, or a decline in our financial situation. These life experiences are traumatic and can often cause grief.

Sadness is the feeling most commonly associated with grief, but there are many other emotions and physical symptoms that can be experienced:

• Emotional responses (some examples) - Numbness, feeling scared or afraid, being overwhelmed, anger, denial, guilt, and even relief that your loved one is no longer suffering.

• Physical Symptoms (some examples) – Insomnia, anxiety, loss of appetite or comfort eating, exhaustion, and depression.

There are no right ways or wrong ways of grieving; grief is a completely unique and a very personal journey. 

Grief models and processes

The Five Stages of Grief were identified by a Swiss American Psychiatrist, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in 1969 and are referred to as the Kübler-Ross Model. The stages are often more easily remembered as the acronym DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

However, a key fact that was overlooked in using this model as an official reference point is that when Dr Kübler-Ross came up with this ‘formula’ she was working with terminally ill patients, not with the bereaved. This oversight has now been acknowledged and many practitioners no longer favour it as a helpful tool. 

Instead, it is now more widely believed that grief follows a Dual Process Model. This was developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in the late 1990s and seeks to address shortcomings of prior models and provide a framework that more accurately represents the natural variation of emotions in coping with grief on a daily basis. Essentially it supports the belief that grieving doesn’t follow a straight line, and that emotions may shift from day-to-day, or even hour-to-hour – sometimes maybe even minute-to-minute.

The Dual Process believes that a healthy grief journey involves oscillating between two ways of coping: Loss-Oriented and Restoration-Oriented. In the grieving process, some days the feelings of loss are at the forefront (loss-oriented), whilst on other days the focus is on daily life and on finding ways to move forward (restoration-oriented). Both coping mechanisms are essential for healing:

• The loss-oriented process focuses on coping with the loss itself, recognizing it, and accepting it.

• The restoration-oriented process involves engaging in activities that can help distract from grief and enable an adjustment to a post-loss life.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with grief you are not alone. Please don’t hesitate to contact me for support.
Some specialised resources: Cruse & Child Bereavement UK; Other helpful resources.